Get the Ice Cream

What the hell is wrong with us? Why must we feel the need to do more, be more, experience more? And if we don't do these things, we're somehow flawed? What a load of bullshit. I watched a Tom Papa comedy special on Netflix and he got me thinking. The whole hour is basically about how we're all doing just fine despite life's challenges. We're the first generation that doesn't have to fight for survival. Food, and everything we ever need, is within arms reach. Other generations might've been skinnier but their lives were miserable. They worried about growing their own damn food, building their own homes, they fought in wars, and they didn't see past the next day because the day they were living was fucking hard enough. Tom thinks we should just get some ice cream and enjoy the day.

I've been ruminating on the meaning of my life, not sleeping well, and struggling over what my next move should be. It's been well, weird. I do believe they call this a mid-life crisis. I hate that term, like I hate all colloquialisms that reduce our feelings into a catchphrase so we can somehow feel just like everyone else and in effect, not deal with our feelings. All told, I've really got it pretty great. I have an excellent job/career and work for a company I hope to retire from. I have a decent house to live in, a paid off car, many friends that put up with me and I think, actually like me most of the time. I have parents that raised me to do whatever I wanted to do in life and were always in my corner and proud of me, no matter who I voted for. I volunteer as often as I can and even though I have to drive to Greeley to do it, I get to be on the radio every week. I have a sweet, little dog that makes me laugh and keeps me warm as he takes up most of the bed every night. What else? There's a long list of cool stuff I've got going on, so what the heck? Why must I hate on myself for not doing more with my life? And I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. Why are we so hard on ourselves?

I've always felt pretty strongly that since I chose to not have children, I owe something to the world. I feel like I have a responsibility to do more, be more and experience more because I'm not working to raise good people. But do I though? I was talking to a friend this week who's in a new relationship and worried about what people might think. When she mentioned this, I told her that all that matters is how she feels about it. Who gives a rat's ass what others think. What do YOU think? Does it feel right? Are you happy, at least most of the time? Other people don't spend time thinking about our love lives or really, anything we do. Everyone is occupied with their own lives, navel gazing the days away. While I'm thinking about this made-up responsibility and worrying about what others think of me, I'm not actually living my life. It's much more productive to just think about living life instead of worrying over some self-induced pressure I've put on myself, or really, pressure that I'm allowing society to put on me. This malaise, this feeling of weirdness, is why people have affairs, buy silly cars, and generally act out like teenagers. I ain't got time for that nonsense.

All I owe the world is to be kind, truthful, do my best, give generously, and have no expectations. I need to take care of my Nasher, my friends and family, and say fuck all to society's expectations. It's a false flag, fake news, and just plain fucked up. To quote one of my faves, I AM ENOUGH. I also do enough, and so do you. Life is challenging, we all make choices, and most of the time, it's enough to buy the toothpaste that's been on the shopping list for a week.

And just for the record, I've adhered to not buying anything new with one small mishap. I bought a poster and t-shirt at a Yola concert, both brand new of course! I got swept up in the show and how awesome she was - dang it! The t-shirt I'm going to give away as a gift and the poster I feel is sort of okay because I'm supporting the artist, and it's a freakin' cool poster to boot!